Friends With Benefits

Istock photoAdvertisement - Continue Reading BelowIt's spring in New York City and benefit season is in full force. And to many, like one 23-year-old publicist (who declined to give her name), that's a very, very good thing. "These events are goldmines!" she says. "Many of my close friends from college are in New York, single, and often meeting guys who are into the college thing—which means not taking the girl to dinner. But at these parties, you meet the upper-twenties to mid-thirties guys who can afford the ticket and will take you out to be wined and dined."
More From ELLEA few weeks ago, the publicist and her friends found themselves at a benefit where they discovered a virtual man "feast!" of handsome financiers. "We were in heaven," she recalls. "Every guy was talking to us. My friend exchanged numbers with someone and they started dating." It's not so bad for the men either. "They know that young PR and fashion girls will be there," says the rep. "These benefits really are the new Match.com."
New Match.com? Using charity events for hookups? Have we lost the altruistic purpose of holding these events in the first place? Maybe not.
Just ask Judy Kuriansky, PhD, author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating and a noted clinical psychologist. "Galas are the new way of dating, have very few downsides, and are worth every penny," she says. "Meeting through these events is the brilliance of the new century."
There's a certain safety net to connecting at a fundraisers. You can meet and greet in an opportune environment. The attendees most likely have the financial security to pay for a ticket that can range upward of $350. And they presumably have a good heart to support an event that helps others. Plus, it's a wonderful way to circulate money into the economy. "In these difficult times, it's a great way to spend," says Dr. Kuriansky. "You've contributed to boosting the economy through helping society. And not only that, it could be a big payoff in your life."
Case in point: Kuriansky says that Heather Mills met Paul McCartney at the Pride of Britain charity event. (However, the psychologist admits the marriage was far from the ideal union.) "You can hit the jackpot and snag yourself a Paul McCartney," says Kuriansky. "One who is devoted to others and has a philanthropic spirit."
It seems that people feel safer about meeting someone at a benefit than at a bar or club. "To an extent, guests are usually well chaperoned," says Randall Stempler, a lawyer who runs charitybenefits.com, a calendar of charity events in New York. And the elegant atmosphere fosters good behavior.
Galas also offer the opportunity to put your best foot forward and dress to impress, which you couldn't do at other typical dating venues. "Most men look handsome in a tux and do not really get dressed up anymore," says Elise Bennett, a freelance production designer who is actively involved in the Fresh Air Fund, the Children's Aid Society, the Alex Fund, and the Global Action Project. "Also, a benefit is a perfect place for a woman to shed her conservative work clothes, put on a spectacular outfit, and feel stunning."
Of course, there are a few downsides. One charity event regular, who has been attending galas for more than a decade, met a woman he later found out spent nine months "upstate" for committing a white-collar crime. There's also the odd party crasher. But most of them are harmless and mainly focused on the free dinner and gift bag.
Many successful professionals work exhausting hours. So these events are an instant social life. Some attend two to four charity events a week. "Even if you don't meet the person of your dreams," says Bennett, "you can spend time with friends, eat, drink, and dance and still support a good cause." The key thing is not to be disappointed if you don't meet anyone. "There are no guarantees," says Dr. Kuriansky. It's important to psyche yourself up and tell yourself, I've done this from the goodness of my heart and made a great decision to be here. Besides, you could always make friends with a couple who might have a single friend."
For those who struggle for that first opening line, the gala itself gives you the instant conversation starter. "What's a better thing to talk about than the event that you paid to attend?" says Kuriansky. It's the ideal and logical opportunity to approach someone and say, "Isn't this for a wonderful cause? What is your connection to this organization" or share why you care about orphaned children. "The benefit fosters an atmosphere of warmth," says Kuriansky. "And there's an acceptance for closeness because you're there for the same cause."
Often galas have tiered tickets with different prices for attending just the cocktail party or after-dinner gathering. So if you cannot afford the $350 or $500-a-plate dinner, ask if there is an option to join only the before- or after-festivities. In fact, Kuriansky advises that if you want to meet someone, the cocktail hour is key. "That is where everyone mingles," she says. "If you miss it, you could be stuck at a couples table."
Also, look for a charity that you believe in—where you're more likely to meet people with similar interests. "If you lost your mother to breast cancer and you attend a gala supporting research for a cure, chances are you will meet people with similar stories and can bond over that," says Kuriansky. "If you don't meet someone, at least you've done something nice for your mother's memory."
When asked if they ever witnessed untoward or "get a room" activities at events, most nonprofit insiders say that guests tend to be on their best behavior. "Put alcohol, men, and women together at a party and things may happen sometimes, especially if it's in a dark room," says one gala regular. "But it's usually nothing too crazy and not very common. People are paying a lot of money to be there."
And even if some people are going to these events just to meet people, the organization still benefits. "Whatever way people are inspired to do good things—like giving money and making the world a better place—their hearts are in the right place," says one thirtysomething business owner who regularly attends charity galas. "Even if people are inspired to go to these events only because they have a yearning to find a girlfriend or boyfriend, it's still a win-win situation."
Talk about win-win. Some couples have discovered their soul mates. "People have met at our fundraisers and ultimately married," says Danielle Zalaznick, manager of the entertainment division at UJA-Federation of New York. "We're not a networking organization but a fundraising organization to help those in need. But anything else is a bonus. We are very excited if two people meet because of us and can continue to be involved with us because we are a special place for them."
Actually, well-heeled organizations like the New York Public Library have filled a niche by offering special memberships for people under 40, which fosters more of a social component. The library's Young Lions group sponsors benefits and cocktail parties and film screenings for like-minded book lovers who can engage in creative discourse. "Some are new to New York, and there are quite a few single people," says Carolyn Gan, manager of the Young Lions. "With Match.com, you have to sort through people to find those who want to lie in bed and read fiction. There's no sorting if you're a Young Lion. Everyone loves literature."