GettyWhen does "faking it" serve us, and when does it hinder us? This week ELLE.com is exploring a wide variety of topics, including why we accumulate fake friendships, why we're so quick to judge a woman who surgically enhances her features, and why faking is essential to our careers, closets, and finding closure.
I'll be the first to admit that I'm skeptical of "flirting experts." People are subjective, and the whole 'flip your hair, whisper suggestively in his ear' advice I read in magazines growing up seemed far cheesier than it did likely to be effective IRL. I'd ask myself, 'Are these masters skilled people technicians or just good confidence BSers?' These days, given my personal experience—none of my friends nor I fully understand flirting yet, lo and behold, we still have successful romantic exchanges in life—I believe the latter.
Advertisement - Continue Reading BelowFlirting, from what I've heard and observed, is built on confidence. It's founded on the idea that if you don't act like randomly shutting one eye—or you know, winking—is awkward as f*ck then it won't be. Given this, I talked to three experts—one on relationships, one on online dating, and the last, a professional wingwoman—about how to cultivate a non-tacky flirting method. It does exist, and it won't make you want to die from embarrassment, promise.
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In Person

Just start a conversation—don't worry about witty openers. Rachel DeAlto, author of Flirt Fearlessly, suggests using your environment or even just flat-out introducing yourself. "Starting a conversation isn't about pick up lines, it's about thinking of something that you would have a genuine interest in knowing," DeAlto advises. "For example, 'What's that you're drinking? How do you know Tom? How long have you been going to these events?'"
Complimenting is pretty overt, effective flirting. "People are suckers for praise—genuine praise. If you notice something nice, say so," Michelle Mathison, a dating coach with Hire a Wingwoman advises. "It will get you an easy smile and usually great feedback to open the door for a nice conversation." So start with the tie, the eyes, whatever appeals most to you (personality is fine too if you're shy about body parts). "Flattery does get you everywhere, as long as it seems genuine," Julie Spira, author of The Perils of Cyber Dating, adds. "Keep it visual, while keeping your clothes on."
If you're shy, actually say you're shy. "Don't use this to outsmart him or as a strategy," Mathison warns. "[But] when you tell a guy that you're shy, very often it breaks the ice because guys can feel shy, too or at least a little nervous. So go ahead give the compliment—just be honest, but remember to keep it light. You'd never want to say anything that would be TMI, example, 'I'm so shy I want to puke or run to the bathroom.'"
If you're not interested in the conversation, just back off. Chemistry is when "you actually feel good and want to talk this person," Mathison says. "Once you're really not feeling it, just move on. The beginning should feel light, fun, and easy."
Don't ask really deep personal questions. "Avoid, avoid, avoid," Mathison says. "You do not need to know about deep emotional scars from childhood, for example, when you are just starting to flirt with someone."
Talk about what you love doing or are really good at to look automatically confident. "If the things you are good at or love doing could be seen as a little boring, talk about something fun you recently did," Mathison adds. "And if all else fails simply get the pressure off you and ask him some questions."
You will fail if you 'try' to be sexy so don't. "Like Yoda said 'Do. Or do not. There is no try.' Do not try to be sexy, just be confident. Guys know when it's not natural," Mathison says.
Pretend (or just be) an egomaniac. "Stand tall, take a deep breath in, and realize that they are lucky to be talking to you. Seriously," DeAlto says. "I have my clients repeat mantras—and actually set them as reminders on their phone—so the next time you are walking in to meet a date that intimidates you? Repeat to yourself, 'I am a total catch and they are lucky to be spending time with me' over and over."

Online

Follow the same strategy you would in person. "Don't overthink what you are going to write," Mathison says. According to DeAlto, "Your written conversation should be a text version of you naturally. Asking for friends to help you word a couple messages until you get your groove going is great, but stay real. You want to translate naturally, not rehearse a script."
Don't get too sexual. "It will kill off the romance of it all. Light sexual innuendos are cool but going into clear details isn't. That's just too much," Mathison says.
Make sure your conversations are as much them flirting as you. "Flirting is a dance, not a one man show," DeAlto says. "Don't overdo it or monopolize the conversation. It's all about them, not you. Make them feel like the center of the universe."
Keep it short. "I believe in the Steve Jobs rule of thumb as it relates to emails. Keep your correspondence to five sentences only," Spira advises. Grab something off their profile. "Starting a conversation with something short and sweet is the way to go," DeAlto says. "[Write] 'Really? A master in the kitchen? I may have to see it to believe it ;) ' or 'You have an amazing smile, and your profile made me laugh out loud. I'm Rachel :)' You may be cringing at the emoticon use, but in text it's important to convey some type of emotion—preferably warmth."
Spellcheck and get their name right. "Calling 'Jimmy' the wrong name as 'Johnny' may make your guy think you're just a serial dater," Spira says. And with flirting effectiveness period, pay attention to what your love interest says back. "You'll know by his responses if they're working. "
Finally, on-screen or off, don't try to banter like they do in movies. "It isn't real," Mathison says. "Someone had time to think and come up with every word each person would say, and how they would react. It's simply not how relationships go. I recommend looking within and coming up with what you authentically want in a relationship. Go after that, and be deliberate about it. If you want a fun relationship, think of fun things to do. If you want great laughs, see comedies together and tell jokes—even if you're not the best joke teller. Find humor in your day-to-day life. You get to say and design your relationship, not a filmmaker."